The Eternal Inferno of Hades stopped burning last
week when fuel supplies ran out at the Furnaces of
Damnation. Hell analysts blame the high cost of
petroleum products and Hell's growing national debt
for the crisis.

Satan has been subjected to a barrage of criticism in
Congress. Maleficus, leader of the opposition
Progressive Demonic Alliance Party accused the
Father of Lies of gross incompetence "Lucifer's
administration has consistently mismanaged our
economy and squandered Hell's precious resources,
"Maleficus proclaimed. Instead of stockpiling fuel,
we've been building roads in the middle of nowhere. The
new Avaris Expressway cost over 3.1 billion dollars !
And has anyone here actually driven on it? The last
thing the average demon on the street needs is another
highway to Hell."

Liberated from their eternal torment, millions of
condemned souls are wandering the streets of
Infernopolis, creating a nightmare for commuters.
Though there have been reports of sporadic looting,
the Souls of the Damned have shown no signs of
organized activity. Police, however, remain concerned.
While the crisis has had a negative impact on most
businesses, for some it has been a blessing. With the
rapidly plunging temperatures in Hades, sales of
sweaters and fur coats are up by over 60%. Dave
Lestacro's business has quadrupled. "I was just about to
give up," he told reporters. "I had finally realized that
Hell isn't the best market for electric heaters. "Now
that the temperature has dropped to a brisk 230°C,
Dave's business is booming

Meteorologists are quick to reassure concerned citizens
that Hell is in no danger of freezing over. Alan Velmar
explained: "A large body of warm water has formed in
the Lake of Fire, creating an El Niño effect. The
temperature will never drop below 75°C. If the fires
don't tart burning soon, though, we could be in for some
light showers."

Satan returned to Hell today after a two-day
excursion to Earth, where he made an unsuccessful
attempt to negotiate a fuel contract. OPEC
representative Ibn Mustafa Akbar said, "The Prince of
Darkness' offer was simply not competitive. We sold
most of our oil to China and Europe." Satan remarked
sourly, "I threatened to condemn them all to Hell, but
they just laughed at me. A lukewarm place of torment
isn't much of a bargaining chip."

As the Devil continues to look for other source of oil,
Congress is currently considering an impeachment
motion. Political analysts expect the next several
weeks to be a very interesting time for the people of
the Underworld.

1998 Richard

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